I doubt they would let a foreigner do it.
Nigger you didn't tell me you were suicidal too! WTF! I THOUGHT WE WAS TIGHT!?
But seriously, I've been extremely suicidal for most of this year, rarely going an hour without thinking of the gun within reach. My personal reasons are long covid turning me into a stupid and weak version of myself, and finally coming to see how hopelessly wretched humanity is - and specifically, it's savage hatred for decency. The long covid has crippled my ability to manage my recent/by-far-worst depression [caused by being targeted by aforementioned wretched people], and my ability to deal with people's savagery. It's also stopping me from smoking cigarettes - my only real vice and crutch beyond escapism through entertainment.
That gun may kill me yet.
Crying aside, if you intend to live, I have advise. In my case, my depression is caused by perspective - not chemical issues; the covid damage hinders everything but is not the cause. I look at my life, and I see no possibility for 'success'. And I don't even mean anything as shallow as wealth and fame. I mean health, safety, stability, a partner. Simple goals. But I can't have those.
Because of that, when I think about living my life - even just doing the simplest tasks - my mind shuts down. I see no possibility for success, only failure, so my mind shuts itself down. This spirals downwards. I don't control this. It's instinct, it's my brain seeing no possible success, and choosing to block out reality and live in a numb state. For months, I've done nothing but sit around the house, playing video games, watching TV, reading books, and punishing my dick. While that's obviously kind of a dream - minus the lack of steaming cunt - I have to go back to life eventually. I don't have the cash to do this forever.
Now for the useful part. I figured out why this is happening, right? So how do I address it? How do I change my emotional, instinctive response to how I see life, so my fucking brain won't stop shutting down? I've tried changing my perspective, 'seeing the good'. Doesn't work. My view is correct; the world is infact shit. I would be lying to myself if I pretended otherwise, and that would only make more problems.
Only answer for me is controlling my emotions. Forcing myself to look at how terrible life is, and just numb myself to it. Once I can do that, I force healthy emotions on myself, that kind that get me thinking and doing again. Not by 'being proactive' or 'being productive' - all that faggotry is distraction and self-deception for lucky idiots. Instead, I just fucking sit for hours, and I force myself to look directly at my god damned problems, and I process the emotions that come up. It works. But it takes a lot of time to remold your emotional framework, if you're not used to it.
I could say a lot fucking more on this, but this is all you get until you dance for me, like your mother used to.
might be small, not as small as Asians though.
